Yes, I'm alive!

Hello Blogger World!  I have taken a long break from blogging, but would like to give a little update... My baby is now 10, yes 10 months old!  He is crawling and cruising along, trying to walk. He has been eating solid foods and basically loves everything! My little man will turn five in October and is about to finish this year's preschool. 

I have gotten a part-time job at the local hospital, I have been working for about a month and a half.  Surprisingly, the baby has adjusted nicely, but little man has had a more difficult time with it.  Little man has a difficult time with change in routine.  To be honest, he hates to leave the house.  One day his babysitter's children were sick and another friend voluteered to watch him.  He freaked out and needless to say, his Pap had to  come to my work and pick him up!  He is just weird about change.  I signed him up for karate lessons and he went about 3 times and then would kick/scream/cry when it was time to go.  He did the same thing with soccer, but I told him if he did not go, he couldn't watch cartoons, and the second game he went.  So I don't know.  He just prefers to be at home. Advice from other moms would be nice!

I have been focusing my time on getting our diets cleaned up and meal planning.  When I started back to work, it was full-time during training.  I got lazy with our meals and we had a lot of processed foods and fast food.  Now I only work about 10 hours a week and have been trying to really plan out and prepare meals in advance so we can have healthy options.  I have lost the "baby weight" but I feel wimpy.  I would like to start exercising to get back into shape. 

Well, I think that's about it for now, hope all is well out there!

2 month

Well, baby boy is now 2 months old!  I took him for his 2 month check-up this morning.  He weighs 12 pounds and 3 ounces.  He is getting so big! He can sleep for 4 hour stretches at night now. He smiles and coos and loves to look at his big brother. He breastfeeds every 2 hrs during the day and about ever 3-4 hours at night. He eats like a champ, and I have worked pretty hard to keep my supply up.

So, I am uncertain as to where to go with this blog.  I love to blog, but do not know what to write about anymore.  I feel like my infertility world is behind me.  I have 2 healthy beautiful boys, and although I think 3 children would be nice, I am finished with IF treatments.  I feel like if we have another child, then great, and if not, that is fine too! I would still like to be a foster parent, however years down the road.  I guess what I am trying to say is that my life feels complete at this time.  I am not on any form of birth control and am open to another child, but my energy is not there.

Little man is about to turn 4 and start preschool 2 days a week.  He loves being a big brother and all that it entails.  He has been talking about his birthday party even though his birthday is not until the end of October.

I just thought I would maybe take the blog in a new direction in the next couple months!

He's Here!!!

My newest little man arrived at 2:17pm weighing in at 8 lbs 10 oz on 6/19/12. He was 21 inches long.  He had some trouble with his breathing at first and spent about 36 hrs in the level 2 nursery.  He is now doing great, we are home.  We are definitely trying to get on some kind of schedule.  I think I forgot what sleep deprivation feels like! I am so happy that he is here and healthy.  Big brother is in love also, and will help me get diapers for  him. 

35 weeks!

35 weeks, wahoo! The pregnancy has been going great. I finished out the school year and gave my notice.  I love my job, however it is not really ideal with 2 kiddos.  Things have been smooth sailing, that is why I have not posted anything, I have been afraid to jinx it.

My mom came over on Saturday and helped me wash up all the baby clothes and get the room ready.  The boys are going to share a room.  It felt weird to dig out all my little guy's old clothes and remember him wearing them.  I can't believe he will be 4 in October!  We even put the car seat in the van.

On Sunday I taught Sunday School at church and started to feel really crampy and was having contractions.  After church, we always go over to my mom's house for lunch and to hang out.  I started telling my mom when I was having a contraction and they were about 5 minutes apart.  We decided it was best to head on over to L&D.  The hooked me up to the monitors to do a stress test, and sure enough I was having one contraction after another.  They gave me a shot of Turbutaline and it made the the big contractions go away.  However, I was still feeling crampy and having small contractions that I could not tell apart.  My urine culture came back positive for a UTI.  The nurse said that is why I was still having contractions. She also did a FFN swab test and it came back negative.  The test is supposed to determine if you are releasing a hormone that means you will go into labor within the next 2 weeks. Luckily mine came back negative.  She gave me antibiotics and said I should notice a difference within 24 hours.

Which leads me to today, 48 hours later.  I am having irregular contractions but still have the crampy, period-like cramps.  I called my regular OB this morning and they are going to see me in the morning.  My c-section is scheduled for June 21st, which is 38 weeks.  I am kinda wondering if I will make it.

I only need to go about another 10 days and I will be at the same point when I had my little man.  He was born at 36 weeks and 3 days.  I am so thankful I have made it this far, and every day farther that I go would be icing on the cake.

30 weeks

I am now 30 weeks : ) I had my checkup yesterday and my cervix has not changed at all!  I only have one more cervical length scan.  I still can't believe I have made it this far! I have nothing to complain about, my pregnancy has been a complete and total blessing. 

So, as I write this, I know that a there are still some of you still stuck in IF trenches.  I have not forgotten about you and I think of you every day.  Pregnancies and babies are truly a gift, and I have no idea why it is easier for some more than others. It isn't fair, and I hope that all of you get your turn. 

Worst blogger ever!

I know, I am the worst blogger, ever.  I have been really bad about posting lately.  The pregnancy has been pretty uneventful.  I am still working part-time and doing my regular stuff, which has been awesome.  My little boy is getting super excited and puts his hand on my belly all the time and will talk to his little brother.

I do not have nearly as much stuff to do this time as with my son. I kept all his stuff, I bought some letter's for his name sign.  My little man is going to help me paint  them this week.  It has been nice to have someone else to share the excitement with. 

I painted my old rocking chair over the weekend, a nice red. Little man helped with that also, so it has some character! 

The Hub's likes my big belly, I am about 25 weeks and am as big as I was with my son full term!  It is weird because I was on bedrest and did not burn any calories with his pregnancy.... who knows!

 I am just thankful to have made it to viability. My cervix was at 5 cm long last week when they checked it, so it is twice the length as it was with my son's pregnancy.  So basically not a whole lot going on...

Feb. Update

Well... we are licensed foster parents, however we are not taking any kiddos at the moment because we are PREGNANT!   Right before we were finished, i found out I was pregnant.  I am 21 weeks.  Why did I wait so long to  announce this you ask? Because I am super duper nervous that something is going to go wrong.  I saw the specialist from 5 weeks to 12 weeks, every week.  I am on a big cocktail of meds, but went for the anatomy scan today and our little man looks fine!  Yep, another little boy!  We are excited. It has been a long road to get here, but hopefully it will pay off.

 I have been getting my cervix checked  every two weeks since I started to dilate with my son at 19 weeks.  I got a permanent abdominal cerclage after he was born.  So far my cervix is twice as long as it ever was with my previous pregnancy. Which leads me to my next news.... I had a panic attack last week.  I started thinking that I felt pressure, and just started to freak out.  I actually had to leave work and I went straight to my doctors office to get checked.  He actually gave me some anti-anxiety meds just in case I have another panic attack. It is just so weird to be up moving around, going to work, cleaning, etc. I was on bedrest from 19 weeks until 36 weeks with my son, so it is just completely different.

Big week

On Saturday my son had his 3rd birthday party, which was a great time. He had a lot of fun playing with his little friends. I can't believe he is 3 already!

On Monday we had our homevisit for our licensing.  The caseworker stayed about an hour, mostly just chatting. She said that we should have our license by the beginning of November! She is going to license us for 2, and later she can change it to more if we want.  She thought that starting off we might feel overwhelmed to get a sibling group of 3 at the beginning.  We are fine with that.  We basically said that our son's safety is our number one priority.  We have a couple more things to do, but nothing too big.

Also, We got a PUPPY! Yes, this makes dog number 3 for my house, but he is pretty cute.  This is the first puppy I have ever had, I have always gotten my dogs from the Humane Society and they have been grown. He doesn't have a name yet, but we are working on it.

 

Yeah, he's pretty cute!

october

October is going to be a busy one!  I turned in our last packet of paperwork so now I am just waiting to schedule our home visit with the caseworker.  Also, even bigger news.... I bought a MINIVAN!!!!! Yep, it's pretty cool, and I could easily fit more children : )  I painted my kitchen chairs this weekend, with the help of my 16 year old niece and my 2 year old.  My lil' man is about to turn 3, so we have been planning his party.

Yesterday I talked with a couple who adopted their son from foster care 18 years ago!  It has been really great with the amount of support we have received! It is such a different vibe than with fertility treatments.  Every one seems very comfortable asking about the process and offering support.  People at church knew about our fertility treatments, however no one ever asked about them.  It's kinda odd.

It has been awesome how I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders with stopping all IF treatments and moving on.  I was watching the show Teen Mom (don't judge), and the therapist Dr. Drew was telling one of the mom's  that you have to let go of the fairy tale dreams that you had a child and move on to what is reality.  I did not plan to have recurrent miscarriages, but I do have my son, which is still an absolute miracle.  I am really optimistic about all this.

Also, I just want to say that some of my posts seem negative, but I am in complete vent mode when I write them.  I am a really laid back person in real life, and would never say the things I say in my blog.....

whoop whoop

Just turned in my second packet of foster care paperwork.  What's next you ask?  2 home visits and then we are licensed!!! 


The hubs and I are going to move our bedroom downstairs to free up a bedroom.  For those of you who are already licensed... Should I make the second bedroom for a girl, so we have one bedroom for a boy and one for a girl?

Also, I went to a baby shower over the weekend.  I didn't hold the baby, but I felt ok throughout the whole thing.  I am proud of myself, b/c I have not been to one in about 3 years!

last resort

Ok so one of our family members have recently had a failed IVF attempt.  I was told that they are still not considering adoption and think it is an "absolute last resort" .  I will say that this was disturbing to say the least.  I hate that.  I will say, I have always known I was going to adopt.  I started babysitting in fifth grade, been a nanny to six kids, worked in daycares, and have been a social worker for about six years.  The problem with infertility is that is becomes an obsession.  Once you start treatment, it is hard to quit.  Let me say for the record, I want to have a house full of kids, not just a house of mini-me's.  My husband and I had started filling out paperwork for adoption when I found out I was pregnant with my son. Maybe I don't understand..... but I think kids are kids.  Yes, it is cool that my son looks like a cross between my brother and the hubs, but is that why I love him so much? Probably not.  I  just think that the idea of any kid playing second fiddle is unfair.  I have always thought that we would be LUCKY to adopt a child, not the child to be lucky that we graced them with an adoption. I hope I don't offend anyone.  I just don't want to stay in infertile hell, if my goal is to just love and raise a child, nor do I want to see family members so depressed I barely see them once a year. To each their own....I know that, unfortunately there is no easy road. 

Hub's surgery

So the hub's had his varicosiele surgery yesterday.  The surgery lasted an hour, and  is now recovering at home.  The urologist said that he had five varicose veins which is "above average" , he said that most of the men he sees only has about three. He said that this should not only help with the pain and discomfort but with fertility as well.  My husband is an ultra-marathon  runner and it can become painful.  The hubs has to take a week off work and has to completely stay off his feet.  This is going to be the toughest thing because he is not one to sit around the house! 

busy busy.....

So this was my third week back to work.  I love my job, I do.  I am currently at two schools, I will be there for about 3 more weeks until I switch to another two schools.  At my afternoon school, the kids were waiting during their recess time to watch me pull into the parking lot. Then they were screaming my name when I got out of the car.  They honestly look forward to seeing me,and I the same of them. This group of kids have either emotional and/or educational issues, and they are the most down to earth kids I have ever worked with!  It is great to know that if you HAVE to work, that at least you love your job. 

The soccer directer called this week, and needs more toddler soccer coaches.  When I signed my son up in the fall we were about to do IUI, so I thought I might be pregnant, so I did not volunteer to coach.  However, since I am not pregnant, I decided I would coach again. 

We have our CPR/First Aid training for our foster care license tomorrow that will last all day.  Tonight, my best friend and I are treating ourselves to the movies, which rarely happens!  And finally, on Thursday my husband is scheduled for his varicoseile surgury.  The hubs said that he could just get his dad to take him so I did not have to use one of my days off to go with him, but I would be a nervous wreck at work. 

Also, I have been contemplating finding another OB/Gyn closer to home.  Our RE is 2 hours away and I don't want anymore fertility procedures. I just feel like my current OB/Gyn has some bad juju since I have had so many miscarriages there.  Also, if I am not pregnant, I just don't want to go back in there.  I would just like to find someone for my regular women needs like pap smears, someone to prescribe my Metformin, and just regular stuff. 


It is a busy but exciting time.!!!!!

Dear ......

Dear Infertility Monster,
 I understand that we have been involved with each other for about 4 years now.  It has definitely been a rocky road full of monthly disappointments.  I feel hurt by your negative impact on my friends and family both by our relationship and their personal life as well. You have caused too many heartbreaks and tears. I would like to make our break-up official, and end our toxic relationship.  I am no longer part of your Infertility World, as I am moving on.  I am exploring other options at this time. I would like to say that I am stronger than ever and despite our long-term relationship I would like to completely sever all contact. I am washing my hands of you.  I will leave your belongings ie: hpts, Basel thermometer, and temp chart in a box outside.
 Sincerely,
Stacy

happy ending

Well, we have another foster parent training tomorrow morning.  It is our 3rd, we completed the second one online. 

Also this week, my husband scheduled his variociele surgery, so now we just have to see if our insurance approves it so we can proceed with the surgery. Remember, this surgery CAN/MIGHT improve the quality of my husband's sperm.  It has about a 60 percent success of working.  However, he will not be able to do it unless our insurance covers it. This is our LAST try with any kind of procedures for conception.  My reasoning for this is that we have son with no artificial means, so it can happen.

I hope that we do have a happy ending.  Whether  it be another biological child, an adopted child, or a sibling group..... I am not saying that no more kids will be an unhappy ending, but  I think I will feel incomplete, if that makes sense.

What I have been up to....

The Hubs and I have started foster parenting training.  We completed a ton of paperwork, got our fingerprints done.  I am awaiting my second big packet of paperwork.  Hopefully in the next month or two we will be certified and get a kid/many kids.  I am keeping an open mind and I know that this will be difficult, especially if/when the kid/s go home. However, the state we live in does 50 thousand to 100 thousand foster care adoptions a year and I am hopeful that we can be part of those numbers!  It really feels like the right thing to do, it is hard to explain.

Not in the cards

Well I took a home pregnancy test this morning and a BFN : (  I still am shocked that I had five huge follicles and not one of them took!  I am not going to lie, I was really scared about the chance of high order multiples, due to my incompetent cervix.  I am really hoping that this is all for a good reason and God has something great in store for us.

freaking out

So a couple nights ago,  I woke up to let my dogs out at around 3 in the morning, and I started to think "what if all 5 eggs fertilized?".  I started to freak out and laid awake for about an hour thinking about the possibilities.  Keep in mind the Hubs had this freak out last week and I totally laughed it off.  Keep in mind, with my son's pregnancy I started to funnel (internally dilate) at 19 weeks and was on bed-rest until 36 weeks.  After my son's birth I traveled about 5 hours to undergo a procedure called a trans-abdominal cerclage. It is kinda like really strong fishing line that is at the bottom of my uterus to take pressure off my cervix.  There are girls on my cervix insufficiency support group who have carried twins to term, but not triplets or more. So which brings me to the topic of selective reduction.....

I feel like we have already been through hell with years of trying to conceive and then having 3 miscarriages once we did.  I feel like God should throw me a bone.  Maybe I was just selfish undergoing the IUI and should have just enjoyed my son. Who knows.  First pregnancy test on Friday and follow-up Monday, so which me luck! Also, my day 21 progesterone test was 53, whatever that means!

the Hubs

Yesterday, the Hubs call me from work and tells me that he left a message with the urologist (specializing in male infertility) to get the varicocele surgery scheduled. (The varicocele surgery is our backup plan if our IUIs fail.)   Then, when he gets home he explains that he started to freak out at work wondering what would happen if all 5 eggs fertilize.  He asked me about 3 times yesterday if I thought "it worked".  Poor Hubs.... he is expressing more anxiety this go-round.  I have my backup plan, and I feel it has allowed me to disconnect somewhat.  I can never tell the pregnancy symptoms vs. pms symptoms, especially with the HCG shot.  I have to let myself not analyze it, even a home pregnancy test is not reliable once you have had the HCG shot.  Only time will tell, I think this TWW is going to be as tough/more tough on the Hubs!

Side note: Had first progesterone shot in hip last night, and it left a bruise!

IUI #2

Yesterday I had my follicle check, and I had 5 mature follicles, which is 1 more than the doc wants you to have.  The nurse had to call him to get permission and we had the "risks of multiples" conversation.

I had my first acupuncture done before my IUI today.  It is supposed to help with "activating" all my organs to help conceive.  The main thing is that it helped calm my anxiety. I tend to have very irritable bowels...

The main thing that concerns me is that it seemed like it hurt more this time to insert the catheter.  The IUI was exactly 24 hours after the HCG shot.  The nurse is not the most gentle of people, so maybe that is the reason. I just hope it was timed correctly. The hub's SA numbers were really good this time post wash, his motility was 90 percent.  That is the best it has ever been! It really amazes me how much spinning the sperm helps. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!